Thursday, 21 October 2010

Give me your troubles

Today, someone said to me "I've permanently got that feeling you get when someone sits you down and tells you they've got some bad news...."

Counselling work is the strangest of things. Part listening ear, part sounding board, not there to advise, yet somehow I help you work out what you're going to do next. I'm not your friend, yet I hear the things you can't even tell your partner. The shocking, the embarrassing, the mundane, the too-painful-to-bear elsewhere. Sometimes you come to me because your 'real friends' don't give you the space to share the things on your mind and in your heart. "Some friends" I think. The normal rules of conversation are suspended, as you talk and I listen. Occasionally repackaging your words, I hand them back to you so you can hear them spoken by someone else. Do they still ring true to you now? I'm privileged to witness thoughts given voice for the first time. All possibilities exist in that room, all options can be played out. Leave your husband? Do it right now, here, with no obligation....how would it be to do that? Remember though that even thoughts can be dangerous; once you've opened the box, can you ever go back to how it was?

The severely depressed, unable even to make eye contact, confound and trouble me in equal measure. I wonder how I can get alongside them in that dark place when I myself feel so optimistic, how can I help you see a way back. "You're my last chance" someone joked, as I sat there, feeling unworthy of their hope.

Sometimes you speak of giving things away, getting rid of incriminating things, preparing for your name to be used past tense. I need to tread carefully here, yet I must also be direct. The most difficult balance to get right. Have I saved lives? Almost certainly. Have I ever made anyone feel worse? Undoubtedly. I don't get it right all the time.

But there are few things greater than how it feels when you finish the work, somehow changed. We've shared something unique, something precious. I've seen you at your most vulnerable and shared your worst fears. What have I shared with you? Something of myself, without you knowing a thing about me.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Just a little whinge..........

This morning, we discovered that my husband's car has been vandalised.
Someone has taken a key or some other sharp object and scored and scribbled all over the driver's door.
It is a total mess.
And I am sad.
Firstly for J-we are not well off, and that bright green Astra Coupe might be ten years old, but it is his pride and joy. And now someone has spoiled it.
Secondly for me, as not only can't I bear seeing J upset, but because as 'Chancellor of the Exchequer' in our family, it will be my stressful job to try and scrape up the money to repair it somehow.
Thirdly, a general sadness that there are people around who commit these mindless acts without thought or regard for the effect that their actions might have on others.
I don't know how they sleep at night.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

All the Fun of the Fair - 707 Years On


Hull was originally granted a charter for a fair to be held, back in 1278, But in 1293 Edward I allocated six weeks through May and June for official festivities to be held, and Hull Fair was born.

In the sixteenth century, it moved to 16 days in September, but in 1751 (The year the calendar changed from the Julian to Gregorian standard,) it was moved to 'the nearest weekend to 11th October'.

For years it ran for seven days from Saturday to Saturday (being closed on Sunday) but in recent years, the opening day was moved to Friday, so it now provides eight days of festivities every year.

For a long time, there have been claims that Hull Fair is the largest travelling fair in Europe. The validity of these claims depend on what factors are used to measure its size: Area, number of attractions, number of visitors, revenue generated, etc. It's difficult to be certain how it compares in some of these aspects, but whatever you choose to measure it by, it is by far, the largest travelling fair in the UK.

Hull Fair has been located at various sites, but since 1888 has been at it's present home in Walton Street. The majority of the attractions stand on  a 16 acre fairground adjacent to Walton Street (which is used as a market site and car park for the rest of the year,) but some rides and stalls are set-up on the street itself.


These days, things are mostly high-tech; gone are the bearded lady and flea circus stalls, but the gypsy fortune tellers' caravans are still in abundance, intermittently popping up along the length of Walton Street, each one of them claiming to be the only genuine daughter of 'Gypsy Rose Lee' (who I thought, was an American burlesque stripper from the 1930s, but what do I know?)



The rides themselves seem to get scarier and more intense every year. The old swing chairs ride for the kiddies is gone now, replaced by an adult equivalent that lifts people fifty feet into the air first.



Of course, the interests of smaller children haven't been forgotten, and many of the old 'kiddy rides' are still around, pretty much as I remember them from my own childhood, as are the darts and hoopla stalls and the ever present 'hook-a-duck'.


Some changes are noticeable though: modern thinking has put paid to the opportunity to win a live goldfish; coconut shies seem to be absent these days (though I suspect there'll still be one hiding amongst the stalls if you look for it;) Some of the old 'six shots for a shilling' shooting galleries seem to have been replaced by '200 shots for £2' with automatic repeating weapons. (watching these, it seems like your £2 lasts about fifteen seconds!)

I remember as a child in the sixties, mum and dad would take my sister and I to the fair two or three times during the week it was here.

My sister would always come home with something like a fairy doll (really just a cheap barbie clone regaled in a colourful net dress, and for some reason, dangling by string from a stick.) I'd get a plastic sword or a bow and arrow set, (arrows with red rubber suckers on the end, the bow always seemed to be clad around the middle with leopard effect fur fabric.) There were always balloons to be had, lots of food consumed and a bag of brandy snap for mum to bring home. We always seemed to go on as many rides as we wanted to, but dad always insisted that in those days he never spent much more than five pounds on each visit. (rides in those days being sixpence, old money, I have no doubt he was being truthful.)

The toy sellers are always there to tempt the visiting children to spend mum and dad's money. There seems to be a new trend each year: this year it was light-up magic wands, light-sabres, and bubble-blowing water guns.

As a child I always remember there'd be two or three chaps dressed as Santa Claus, positioned at various points down Walton Street. Parents would pay for him to provide their child with a present from his sack. They're not there anymore, because the council regulations force all the street traders to wear official, numbered, high-visibility vests, and whoever heard of a flourescent orange Santa?

The balloon sellers are still present, standing on quieter areas of the street, in what would be darker places if it weren't for the mass of technicolour inflatables they're always grasping. It often makes you wonder why they're not lifted off the ground by the effects of all that helium!

However many balloons he sells, his stock never seems to diminish. Nobody ever seems to replenish his stock, and surely, with that handful, he doesn't have the opportunity to inflate more himself?

The fairy dolls are still there if you look for them, as are the plastic swords, but the bows & arrows seem to have been replaced by 'working' light sabres. The balloons these days are in much more exciting shapes, but the brandy snap is still available, and in the same white, red and blue 'Wrights' bags that I remember from my childhood.


The traditional food stalls never seem to change: standard fayre apart from brandy snap being nougat, fudge & coconut ice to take home. Candy floss, popcorn, toffee apples, coconuts & pomegranates are still favourites. There's always something new in the way of confectionery: giant muffins, with belgian chocolate topping and real chocolates stood out this year, (probably because I'm not allowed to eat them!)



People still queue for the traditional burgers, hot dogs, chestnuts, chips and doughnuts, but these days you can also choose kebabs, noodles, wraps, etc.

The crowds seem to get bigger each year. The walk down Walton Street is more like shuffling along at the busiest times, and when someone decides to stop without warning, the effect is for everyone following behind to shudder to a halt suddenly. It doesn't help the congestion when people insist on bringing their children in full size prams, instead of small buggies, and a mobility scooter travelling through the crowds creates a real traffic hazard, (those bloody things don't slow down for anyone!)

My kids are too old to go the fair with their parents now. They usually go with friends if their finances allow, but I occasionally just take a wander around these days. The only money I usually spend there, is to buy brandy snap, nougat, etc. to take home.

But it's the sounds, the sights and the smells that trigger memories for me.

Even now, there are songs from the seventies, that I still think of as 'Hull Fair music' because at the time of their release, they were played repeatedly on the rides at the fair, back in my teenage days when I'd visit the fair with friends as often as I could.

The lights are blinding at times, and the strobe effects on some of the rides can be annoying, even as you just walk past, but seeing the faces of children at the sight of all the colours and bright lights is a joy. 

There's a certain atmosphere at the fair, and the various smells there play a big part in that. There's nothing quite like the smell of hot popcorn at the fair. The stuff at the cinema doesn't come close. The smell of candy floss reaches out and grabs at your memory as you walk past; the rich smell of roasting chestnuts follows you around the fair and lures you toward the chestnut stalls.

Of course you have to get close enough for the smells to draw you in but once they have, memories and nostalgia comes flooding back.


The fair runs this year until Saturday (16th October.) If you can get to Hull, I'd recommend you paying a visit. If you have children they'll love it, and they'll certainly let you know about it. I'm sure you'll love it too.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

kaun yin

Kaun Yin is called the goddess of mercy because she embodies the flame of mercy and compassion.

We can pray to her not only for comfort, healing, guidance and succor, but also for mercy, compassion and forgiveness.

She shows us through the flame of forgiveness, how to free ourselves from all hardness of heart and teaches us to have compassion for all. She comes as mother to dispell all "maya" (illusion).

Her name means "one who regards, looks on or hears the sounds of the world."

The legend says Kaun Yin paused the threshold of heaven, as she was about to enter,when she heard the anguished cries of the world. Out of compassion for the suffering of others, she turned and vowed to remain and help those in need for however long this may take.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Ganesh

Many stories describle how Ganesha (Ganesh) got the elephant head. One tells how parvati created Ganesha in absence of Shiva, to guard her quarters, at which point Shiva cut off his head Later shiva restored Ganesha to life and provided him with the head of an elephant because no other was available.

The son of Shiva & Pavati Ganesha has an elephant head with a curved trunk and big ears and a huge pot-bellied body of a human being. 
He is lord of success and destroyer of evils and obstacles. He is also worshipped as a god of education and knowlege, wisdom and health.

My Ganesh is curved into the crystal Lapis Lazuli, encourages taking charge of life, reveals inner truth.

Thursday, 7 October 2010

For you, Dave, I am here. And Ali and Kit. And the rest of The Morning Crew. It's the last place on Earth I would ever have expected to be, but a year and a half ago, I would have said the same about Twitter.


I am one of those people to whom people open up readily. I strive to be open minded, non-judgemental and a good listener. People often refer to me as 'the voice of reason', talking sense.

I myself, however, appear to be an open book, when in fact I only really ever allow people to scratch my surface. This means that I befriend and chat to many, but due to my inability to open up, I feel that I am standing on the poolside, watching the fun, desperately willing myself to jump in. But never quite managing it.

Well, today this is it. Today, is the day I take the plunge and land amongst you. Move aside, I'm coming in.

Monday, 4 October 2010

Another morning crew

This is my first ever blog post and for someone who's often got a lot to say I'm feeling a bit shy. So a deep breath and here goes. This is about an entirely unremarkable journey to work.

It's Thursday morning and I'm taking my place amongst the professionals on the train. I already feel like I’ve done a days’ work and it’s not yet 8am. I miss those uncomplicated mornings when the only person I had to chivvy along was myself. Those days, long gone, feel like part of someone else’s life now.

I'm protected from the world by my ever present earphones. Today's journey to work is soundtracked by the Cocteau Twins but it changes every day.

I notice the others in my carriage, immersed in their copies of the Metro, gazing out of windows or eyes fixed on the ever present mobile. Bluefaces I think the term is in the music industry, for talent spotters and A&R people who spend more time looking at screens than stages so their faces glow blue in the dark. Another life I once lived, another relic of the past.

I notice that most are more smartly dressed than I am, "they must have office jobs" I think. I play a little game of 'guess the occupation' and I'm amused by how easily I slip into stereotypes. The neat little man with glasses, he's got to be an accountant surely? Or in IT maybe. I think how broad a church IT must be to open its arms to such a diverse congregation; none of the jobs are the same but they’re all fall under the same description.

The young man opposite in paint-splattered jeans rolls a cigarette. ‘Roll me, lick me, suck me’ jumps into my head, another phrase from a bygone age. I wonder I sound like a later version of those 60s refugees who still call everyone ‘man.’ Then I think people in Newcastle still say “man” and my mind takes me back to the three years I lived there.

A phone rings and my attention goes back to the roll up man. Maybe he's a decorator but surely he'd travel in a van? Perhaps the artistic type of painter then. Or, as I notice the elaborate spray painted tags on the side of the buildings, one of the creators of those. I think the expensively dressed man opposite me might have a cold or a serious coke habit, as the train's rhythm is punctuated by little sniffs. The woman in blue would look great behind a reception desk I think, as she manages the art of looking sophisticated yet friendly.

Nobody looks very happy to be going to work. Resigned at best I think. A young woman has one of those 'record of achievements' folders that they use in schools these days. On her way to an interview I suppose. Someone should tell her she has a dark smudge on her left cheek, newsprint I imagine.

Someone is talking on their mobile, unaware we’re about to enter a tunnel. Yes, they've been cut off. I have to turn the volume up for this bit as the mechanical sounds of the train are amplified by the tunnel walls.

The fields give way to buildings in this part of the journey and we pass rows of houses. I always find myself wondering who lives there and wondering "what kind of life do they have?" Sometimes I catch a glimpse of that life behind closed doors. A man, seemingly frozen in time, putting a jumper over his head. Someone with a folder raised, shielding their hair from the rain. I wonder how many kids get berated for their speed of cornflake consumption, how many women are hastily covering bruises with make up and whether that man over there might be hiding a bottle of spirits in his briefcase.

The train slows as we approach the station and people start to move in their seats, collecting bags, adjusting clothing. A queue of people forms at the door, unsure of which side of the train the platform will appear. Nobody speaks. The doors open and we are ushered onto the busy platform, a queue of impatient people waiting to take our place. The working day has begun.

morning all intro

Hello everyone,

I'm Kirsty; I hide behind kaunyin as a name to protect my net life, because ex-knob has the knack of finding me.

My blogs will be more interesting this is just the Intro.
Any comments questions are welcome.

xx

Sunday, 3 October 2010

The face that smiled


The old grey Air force bus climbed up the quarry hill; she liked the quarry hill because she knew the quarry; it was the place where she lay on her belly to catch the little sticklebacks, that made her mother cross, when she took them home; so she recognised the big black slag heaps on the hill and she felt safe.

That day, the little girl with the swinging pigtails, that everybody pulled, wasn't allowed to sit with her brothers and sisters on the bus, instead she was sitting near the front beside a 'big girl'; the most likely reason for this was that she had been climbing on the seats, or shouting & laughing too loudly, or scratching little faces on the frosted windows.

I think that was what she was doing when she suddenly fell forwards; her teeth hit hard against the metal bar of the seat in front and her mouth filled with blood. Everything stopped, she could see her breath on the cold December air and she heard odd and sometimes muffled sounds, creaking & hissing; the bus engine made a loud ticking sound and she heard some kind of crying sound from the back of the bus, and she tried to understand what had happened.

Not many things make sense to a four and a half year old child; she wiped the blood from her mouth and stuck her tongue out in the hope that she could see what had happened, she wiped more blood then took a step towards the front of the bus; she looked at the bus driver, who was sleeping, then stepped up to the frozen window at the front and scraped away some ice to see.

A car, a red car, was pressed right up against the front of the bus; when she thinks back to that moment, she thinks the woman was wearing a red coat and possibly she was, but the odd thing was, the strangest thing was, that the woman was sitting inside her car but.... her head was outside, just lying there; lying in the pretty, sparkling glass.

And her face smiled up at the little girl and Kitty, rubbed against the frosting glass again and smiled back.

Darling Please

This is a first for me; blogging that is, I am rubbish at grammar, so what you see is what you get; if you want to 'tut' or 'red pen me' feel free. I am quite confident in my 'well I don't care attitude' and I won't take offence. I also warn you that I often type 'i ' instead of using a capital and a vey careless '7' instead of an '&' sign. :D

So here is a little something, I made earlier and its called :

DARLING PLEASE

Darling, please give me a hand,
Not a very large demand,
But I'm easy to ignore,
How have I, become a bore.

Maybe then, I should shock him,
Slinky dress and top of stocking,
Saunter past and wiggle my hips,
Blow a kiss with pouty lips.

Whisper sweet words in his ear,
Words he cannot fail to hear,
One look and then its gone,
'Not now love, footballs on'.

Your Superman

OK - I'll break the ice and be the first to post here...

Following is a lyric I wrote a few years ago. It never made it to becoming a complete song for a number of reasons:
  • It's a little short
  • The line structure is quite complicated so would require quite a complex tune
  • I have absolutely no idea where to start when it comes to writing music
But here's the lyric anyway; it's basically a love song, but not a slushy one. It deals with the insecurities that we blokes tend to feel constantly while involved in relationships.

I'd be interested to know what you think of it.


Your Superman

I know you're always telling me, I shouldn't feel so insecure,
But your friends say I don't treat you quite as well as I really can,
I try to do my best, but they say you ought to expect more,
And that you'd do much better if you found another man,

(But would he be better than I am?...)

You want a hero - I'm just an ordinary guy,
You want perfection but all I can do is try,
You know I'll always do the best for you that I can,
But I'll never, ever ever be your Superman

Darling we both know you always want the best,
Your friends: they've all got partners that you seem to like a lot,
But sometimes when you look at me, I can see you're not impressed,
And I've been thinking lately, you're not happy with what you've got,

(But I can't be something that I'm not...)

You want a hero - I'm just an ordinary guy,
You want perfection but all I can do is try,
You know I'll always be the best for you that I can,
But I'll never, ever ever be your Superman.

You need perfection - I'm just a regular kind of man,
You deserve your hero, but that's not what I am,
You know I'll try to do the best for you that I can,
But all that I can ever be is what I am,

...and I'll never, ever ever be your Superman  

DB

Welcome to The Morning Crew....

Welcome to Ali, Bev, Claire, Colette, Di, Gill, Jools, Kirsty, Kitty and Lizzy.

I hope we'll soon start seeing posts from each of you on here: opinions, laughs, stories, pictures, photos, videos, anything you think will be of interest to anyone who finds it here.

Have fun....