Thursday, 16 June 2011

Mr Cosgrove is coming out of the closet....


The shop wasn't anything out of the ordinary. There were a myriad of items that would have served better in the rubbish but Mr Cosgrove would keep everything. The dusty shelves were littered with papers and books, some of which were very old; some items were so consumed with dust they no longer deserved a title. The place was a mess. Despite this, the old dusty shop contained some 'magic'. The thousands of papers, books and bric-a-brac that filled every corner had a life force all of its own. Literary jewels with dusty crowns and crispy, curled edges waiting to be discovered and it was rumoured that the little store held an original document from the court of Henry VIII, although no-one knew if this was true. Jewels indeed. Lifting them from their dusty beds would only open up the box of curiousity and wonder, putting to rest all of those questions. They were best left alone.

Looking more closely, there were hundreds of trinkets scattered here and there. Items of devotion passed between lovers in years gone by. Once beautiful and treasured, now dull and no longer magnificent: sparkle faded and extinct.

The room itself was not very large and the items contained within made it look even smaller. The window to the high street had long seen the sunlight shining through and all the items placed there for the public to see, were invisible from the street. Dead spider and flies mummified on the cill only served to cement the stillness. For here, in this place, time stood still.

Mr Cosgrove was busy outside in the garden ruffling through old newspapers. He remembered he read somewhere there had been an outbreak of a so-called virus that had caught hold in the southern villages a few decades ago. He was darned if he could remember where he had read this and with all this junk around was becoming disheartened that he would ever find it. Why hadn't he put this somewhere safe? He was sure it would be of use to him in the future. Looking up from his endeavour, he sighed. His ever faithful cat Mozart was rubbing against his leg and this signalled feeding time. Mozart was very punctual. In fact, Mr Cosgrove didn't need a watch, the cat would ensure feeding and nap time were the same each day. Standing up, Mr Cosgrove made his way into the back of the house, stopping only to sniff the roses aside the back door. He loved his roses, they were his labour of love.

Inside the house, Mr Cosgrove laid down a saucer of milk for Mozart and cut two thick slices of bread for his lunch. He was unsure what to have in his sandwich today, but settled for cheese. After making his lunch and a cup of tea, he sat down at the small table to eat resting his elbows on the side of the chair. He looked over to Mozart lapping his milk and sighed. He was such a straggly mongrel of a cat, but faithful and loving. He didn't know what he would do without his company. His mind wandered to the day Mozart had arrived in the shop. It had been a very cold night and the rain had managed to work its way under the door. On opening the door, he had noticed a dark shape aside the post. As he bent down to touch the object, it moved and a pair of emerald green eyes had met his gaze. Shocked to see the object was actually a cat, he had proceeded to pick it up and carry it inside. He remembered how cold and wet the cat had been and how frail and weak he had looked. He had wrapped the cat in a blanket and placed in the corner by the piano. Now look at him, he thought. He's an old man just like me! Mr Cosgrove smiled and finished his sandwich, now where was this blasted newspaper. Back outside in the garden rummaging around in the piles of papers, he found it. 'UNKNOWN VIRUS SWEEPS DEVON...Twenty Four Dead...Panic Sweeps Town' . He took the newspaper inside and placed it on the table. Picking up his glasses, he put them on and continued to read...

Monday, 13 June 2011

A Monday Morning Chuckle....


On waking this morning, I remembered a funny story sent to me via a twitter buddy. Please read and enjoy....CAUTION: Swallow the coffee before reading.


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife...

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety....?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries), pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be
considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Rosie Child


Beautiful Angel, this is true
Everything, I do for you
For I do know that I am blessed
To have your heart beat in your chest
You lighten up the darkest day
For all the glory you display
And those that have not seen your smile
Or held you closely for a while
Do not know my precious child
Of truth and feeling, love beguiled
And should you ever go astray
I'll light a lamp to show the way
For when in life, you just can't stand
I'll walk beside you, hold your hand
Throw you high, your wings erect
To learn of life and life perfect
Still very young, you're not to worry
Life should be slow, not a hurry
Take your time to figure out
Just what life is all about
Lift a flower to your nose
Experience nature as it grows
Watch a bee search for her treasures
One of life's most glorious pleasures
There's not enough time in this day
To say the things I want to say
But for this moment, in this hour
Just, I love You, precious flower.

Happy Birthday Rosie

Open Book


Somewhere there is a place of tranquility...a haven of peace and beauty, I believe that is where nature is made. I will drop the materials that drag me down and spend the day with a butterfly, passing over gardens and bathing in sunshine...this is where I truly belong. Sunshine breathes a feeling of contentment and life but still darker clouds loom close by. I take a dandelion and blow away the awaiting life...giving a chance. But someone, somewhere is crying....

Reaching out into the void, I feel a sense of adventure. When did the word 'spontaneous' disappear from my life? I think maybe lost, although I wake every day hoping to find it again. I grapple with the 'mundane' of everyday life; the faceless commuter reading his newspaper, the skateboarder who knocks me into the kerb and wonder, do you see me? Reach out and touch me, I am here and I see you. Sit a while and watch with me the beauty of the spider weaving her snare.

I hear repeating beats from your electronic device and I know, you love to dance. Come dancing with me...we will sing our tune together and frighten away the birds. Take a moment for being nowhere for it is in nowhere you will find yourself. An abyss of empty; possibilities surrounding you and waiting for you to open that door of wonder. Be not afraid to step into the unknown...use your magic wand.

I look at you and sigh...such a beautiful creature, such a miracle of life and I ponder, did you smile today? Did you reach into your 'happy' vat and take a piece for a stranger to see? Did you save somebody from a day of low? I think so...I can see you. I hand you a book and as you open it you see it is empty...this book is for you. Make of it what you will but fill the pages with your dreams...and make them happen. You 'are' the 'Open Book'.